The New 'EuroEnglish' Standard

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement, and accepted a five year phase-in plan that would be known as 'EuroEnglish.'

1st Year

In the first year, 's' will replace soft 'c.' Sertainly this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard 'c' will be dropped in favour of the 'k.' This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have one letter less.

2nd Year

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome 'ph' will be replased with the 'f.' This will make words like 'fotograf' 20% shorter.

3rd Year

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate-speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent letters in the language is dis-grasful, and they should go away.

4th Year

By the 4th yer, pepl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing 'th' with 'z' and 'w' with 'v.'

5th Year

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary 'o' kan be dropd from vords kontaning 'ou,' and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

And zen ...

After zis fifz year, ve vil hav a rele sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evri-vun vil find tu undrstand ech ozer.